So I've recently started practicing for derby and had been doing very well about getting out and exercising and trying to build my endurance when not at the rink. However, the last practice was incredibly difficult and very hard on me and my out of shape fat ass. It inspired feelings of inadequacy that I thought I left behind when I left middle school. It reminded me that I am fat and out of shape. It made me freak out and almost panic in front of the entire team about not being good enough. It made me not want to workout at all this week(my allergies aren't helping either!) Practice is tomorrow night and I'm already nerved up about going.
It figures my freak out fit comes after I've purchased skates..lol Roller derby is something that is supposed to help me deal with my anxiety and body issues and here I am fighting it still. Over roller derby no less! *sigh* This is incredibly frustrating to me. I don't want to give up. I keep saying I won't give up. I push and push, but I feel like I'm not progressing and that I'm fat and don't belong. But it takes time and I have to remember that it takes time and if I keep at this my anxiety should ease up and I will find that I'm getting better. In the meantime, there might be some anxiety related derby rants going on.