Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Non-Derby Direction

This post is entirely not related to roller derby at all and has more to do with my current state of mind. For the last few days I have been increasingly anxious and wound up feeling and can't pinpoint why. Yesterday my cat got underfoot and hubby stepped on his foot and he cried and hubby hollered. Colt is fine, J is fine, and I...well I started hyperventilating and very narrowly missed breaking out in tears for a full on panic attack. I'm tired of the constant knot in my stomach sick feeling that always shows up when I'm feeling anxious. I'm tired of the disjointed, disconnected feeling I get. I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of my mental issues creating, compounding, or interfering with other issues in my life. I don't like having physical problems because I can't keep my head on straight.

I've tried pills and meditation and exercise and a myriad of other things that are supposed to help me cope with GAD. Pills cause god awful side effects in other areas of my life that I'm still reeling from months later, I cannot shut my brain off long enough to meditate properly (which is part of the problem), and I've noticed to real difference with the exercise other than having lost some weight. Yay for that! The fact remains however, that I am at a loss for what to do because I can't find something that works without having other problems. And if there are aide effects then I get all anxious and worked up about those because they can and do affect my marriage and I really don't need that. I'm just fed up, frustrated, at a loss, and feeling really depressed cause I don't have a fix for my problems and I feel like I shouldn't have these problems because I should be better adjusted and whatnot. People have always said I was "sensitive" and that I would grow out of it. Obviously, there's something else wrong with me, but people just assume that a mental disorder that's not serious enough for "radical" treatment just means you're over sensitive and that you just need to "get over it." I'm so sick of people making such incorrect, off-base assumptions when they don't know me or the hell I go through when my anxiety level ramps through the roof. I just want to be normal...

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