Friday, March 11, 2011

no car = no skating = heightened anxiety/depression issues

I have no idea when I will get my car back out of the shop. I was hoping for yesterday or today, but as it still needs a brake cylinder replaced and some work on the brake lines that split (probably from the pressure that backed up d/t to busted cylinder) it might not be til Monday or later. Since being without my car means I am sharing hubby's car I basically can go around town in it and that's it. He is super paranoid about me driving it out to rink we practice at and hitting a deer, especially since I did exactly that in my car a couple months ago.

It sucks a lot. Derby is a major outlet for me and I've been so stressed and anxious lately with everything going on in my life that I've really needed it. And I cannot has it. I'm on edge and anxious all the time right now and it would be so nice to put on my skates, even for a little while and be able to forget all of that and let it go. I only have to survive through April tho and things should start settling back down after I finish my internship. In the meantime I just have to hang on.

Things that make me anxious:

1. Getting enough hours at work to pay the bills
2. Passing minimum skills testing
3. My house not being as clean as I would like it to be
4. Failing any classes in my last semester of college and not graduating
5. Not being the best skater I can be and continuing to improve
6. Being unable to do things like the tomahawk stop and get up from falls as fast as I want to do so
7. Worrying about my husband's health while they try to figure out what is wrong
8. pretty much everything

Ok, so that last one is horrible for me to put on there, but it is very true. I get anxious and worried over every little thing and I do so very easily. Random things will set me off and send me into a tailspin. Wed. night I literally laid in bed for three hours and did nothing because I got so anxious and depressed that my mental state had actually reached a point where I felt unstable and my instinct was to retreat to a safe place i.e. my nice warm bed so that I didn't have access to anything that could be potentially used as a weapon. To clarify that, at one point in time I was a cutter and still bear those scars. Sometimes I go to a place where I want to cut again and know that in order to not give in to that urge I need to be away from anything I might be able to use in that fashion. So I did that, rather than letting go and giving in. It might not be the best way for me to cope and maybe I need more therapy, but I am so adverse to the idea of therapy that whenever it gets brought up I will make up a reason not to do it. I can open up with my writing all I want, but actually talking to a therapist means I just lie to them and manipulate them into hearing what they want. I don't trust them and I'm pretty sure it's because I was forced into therapy as a teenager and once I figured out how to play her the woman would believe pretty much whatever I said. And I simply didn't trust her not to tell my parents things that I said no matter how much she claimed that they were in confidence. So this is a long rambling post about how unstable I've been feeling because I don't really know where else to post it or who I can talk to about this because my family either doesn't know about my problems or I won't talk to them about it because I feel like they have enough going on and don't need my crap. Also, I don't need attitude about it and some people will give me that. And I love my derby girls, but again they have their own crap to deal with and I'm not dumping on them with all of my crap, especially when some of it is much more trivial than what is going on in their lives. Being alone is another big anxiety trigger for me at times and it has been pretty bad lately too. Every time I am home alone I get the gross achy feeling/knot in the pit of my stomach and have to make an effort to stay focused and not freak out because I am alone. I'm wondering if this is worse because A) I'm worrying about hubby and his health and even though it's nothing life threatening it's still kinda freaking me out and B) my late grandmother's birthday is coming up on the 1st of next month and I am reminded of her a lot more around this time of year. *shrug*

Eventually I will be able to work through this fit, the league drama will settle down, college will end, and things will go back to as close to normal as they ever get for me. In the meantime, please bear with my rants and fits and whatever else I come up with on her. I just need to vent sometimes.

Dixie von D.

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