rant

I know that I write a lot about being better and doing things to get myself there, but have struggled with the motivation to do what I need to do for a very long time. I'm still trying to push myself and go where I need to go in order to succeed, but when I constantly feel like the worst player on a team and berate myself even while others are cheering me on it just feels hopeless. I don't want to give up on roller derby, but I'm scared that derby will give up on me. There are a lot of "but"s in the previous sentences...which to me says that I'm making excuses. And I am. So I need to break that habit. I need to break the habit of simply vegging out all day long. I need to grab my sneakers, tuck my girls into a super supportive sports bra and start jogging, biking, stretching, or whatever exercise I can do that will help me. I need to get over my issue with being fat and slow and out of shape and feeling like people are judging me and just do it. Why is this so hard for me?