Sunday, February 19, 2012

So this is pretty non-derby related, but I don't feel like I have anywhere else I can vent. I'm just feeling very depressed again quite a bit lately. I don't know if it's the weather, the fact that it is looking like we won't be moving as soon as we had hoped, all the varied stressors in my life (which aren't that bad compared to some people I know), or if it happens to be a combination of things.

My apartment is a mess, I feel completely under-prepared for the All Star bout that is fast approaching, and right now what I really want to do is crawl back in bed and sleep. I try not to let this side of me show too often because I know I can be a drain on other people, but trying to keep it together is a drain on myself. I feel as though I should be able t do more than I am doing on the exercise front, but there are days when I simply don't exercise for various reasons, none of which are good reasons. Maybe that's why I get discouraged. The progress is slow and hard to see and I don't really feel like I have much to encourage me. I feel as though I am easily one of the worst players on my team, but my efforts to improve never strike me as good enough.

I'm a mediocre blocker, barely passable pivot, and a terrible jammer and not one thing seems to be improving for me in any of these areas. I have a shit job performing menial labor and despite my efforts have been unable to advance within the company I work for. I'm not even looking for huge advancement...just a tiny step up. And that legal degree I was so proud to have earned...well it's not much use when I'm working in a deli frying food and slicing lunch meat. Sure, part of that is because I do live in a rather economically depressed area where the job market just straight up sucks, but that doesn't make it easier.

I guess I just feel like that despite my efforts I will never be good enough to have the happiness that I want. Or maybe I'm simply destined for boring mediocrity for the rest of my life. I dunno. I'm just fucked up and whiny today.

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