Thursday, July 22, 2010

More Practice and More Anxiety

So my skates showed up and last night was the first time I got to ride was like starting over from scratch because they are SO different from the rental skates. I still don't have pads and my new skates don't currently have toe stops. Difficulty ensued. I'm pretty sure that one of our coaches thinks I'm an absolute fat-ass moron who shouldn't be there and that doesn't help. Of course, I could be wrong and a lot of the time I am about things like that because I always assume that people don't like me. Bad habit I know.

Suffice to say that I was almost in tears several times last night and I hate myself a little bit for it. I'm tired of my crazy trying to ruin my life. All the treatments I have tried only made things worse in the long run though. Are there any others out there who fight major anxiety/panic disorders and have had issues getting it together? Is it just me? I cannot be the only big girl who has ever had issues, but I might be the only one who has it this bad...IDK.

Ordered toe stops for my skates that I'm praying will arrive before next practice and hoping that I can pick up at least part of my pads before then as well. Went for a walk/jog with hubby earlier today and I'm exhausted. But I'm slowly getting into better shape. It's just going to take time and I feel like I don't have enough of that. Also, drooling over new wheels because the rock speed ones that came with my skates are too slippery for the tile we skate on. Unfortunately I don't have the money for new wheels so if anyone has ANY suggestions for giving them a bit more grip I would love to hear them. Srsly hoping to get my rebels for x-mas!!! But...yeah...that's been about it. Anxiety over my size and weight and skills and everything that I'm not great at. Oh...and my legs hurt today from working on a backwards drill. LOL DL<3

Dixie D.

1 comment:

  1. You will get used to your new skates in no time. There is a BIG difference in rentals but after a few times you will be in love. You can do so much more with a lot less effort with a good pair of skates. I used to think that idea was crazy~ not now. I am drooling to upgrade my skates already but have vowed to wait until I have passed assessments before I upgrade.

    I have anxiety issues myself which I am currently taking meds for. It will get better I promise. There have been several practices where on the way home I was telling myself "why in the hell am I doing this?" and had almost talked myself into quitting. My best guess is that you are your worst critic and the only one thinking negative thoughts. All the girls in my league are thrilled that I am out there trying. I am certainly not the best of fastest skater, but I keep at it and don't give up. That is what derby is about. It's all about heart and determination. And you know IS getting easier. I still struggle with stupid stuff like knee falls and recovery but that's ok. I'll get it.

    You don't really need toe stops in order to skate. Use t stops and plow stops instead. Our league doesn't allow up to use our toe stops to stop unless we are doing tomahawks or skating backwards. But each league is different. :)

    Don't give up......YOU CAN DOOOOOOOO IT! ;)