8/25/2010

Last night's practice was a short one as we were having a meeting afterward and needed to leave a bit early to get there. It was also pretty low key due to the meeting and because a bunch of the girls got new wheels and skates and goodies and whatnot and our coach brought them to practice. So everyone was playing with new toys and what not. I'm probably going to be switching back to rental skates for a short time as the wheels on my skates are pretty much completely bald and I lack grip and control to an extent that I'm no longer comfortable skating at high speeds or doing several drills that require me to have an extreme amount of maneuverability. *sigh*

And in order to get new wheels I have to get new bearings. Turns out that my current set up has micro bearings. Wonderful...I'm feeling extra frustrated at this point and last night really wasn't even feeling it at practice. I pretty much screwed around and accomplished almost nothing, although I'm still working on my backwards skating and can start to see some improvement. Eventually I will get there, but I think I need to get my anxiety under control and that will be a huge help as will improving my equipment as I have the funds to do so. Otherwise, it's practice and more practice. I'm trying very hard to stay positive and not get discouraged.

On another note we are working towards our nonprofit status and are trying to start organizing fundraisers and whatnot so if anyone has any advice that may be useful please share and I will pass it along to the girls! DL<3

Dixie D.

Thoughts of a newb

Taking a look back at all of my practices thus far I can see that I am improving and getting better, even if it is happening far slower than I care for it to be happening. I'm already over my fit about Wed. night and looking forward to next week although really hoping new wheels are in before them. If not I will be cleaning my current set so they shine.LOL I keep dreaming about myself going out and exercising more when I'm not skating. I think my body is trying to tell me that I need to get my shit together and do it! I'm not sure about my goal of actually losing weight before the cruise, but I am shooting for having gained some muscle tone and losing some of the flabby soft parts. Inches lost due to muscle and not flab are just as good as lost weight for me. And my hubby did comment the other day that all the skating is doing wonders for my (his words not mine) already cute butt. LOL So, in order to be a better skater I need to start getting my exercise on, focus on areas that need improvement, and get over my anxiety issues. Although to be honest when I freaked out the other night and the girls were so supportive it helped, even if I do still feel like a loser when I panic like that. DL<3

Dixie D.

Last night was not so excellent

So after last week being rather spectacular I was looking forward to having a really excellent night @ practice. Oh and forgive any typos; my mother-in-law's laptop and I aren't friends and I have the keyboard to be a bit wonky and too small. Anyway, things started off pretty well although this whole skating backwards thing is starting to frustrate me a lot as is skating in a non-derby direction and trying to do crossovers going that way. I'm not so very good at it...as in I can barely crossover going derby direction and non-derby just hasn't clicked for me yet. At any rate things were going OK until I lined up for a slalom drill. Despite my inability to control my speed worth a damn last night it wasn't bad until my partner and I took off to slalom through the pack. We're coming back around a turn about to catch up and start weaving when my wheels just spun right out from underneath me and down I went. I did have the sense to let go of Becky so I didn't take her down with me, but I hit and hit hard. I also twisted my left knee (again!) in the process. And this time it hurt bad enough that I ended up sitting out for the majority of the rest of practice, which sucked. I was already frustrated and having a hard time because I feel like I should be making better progress than I have been, but to have fallen again because I lost control really fried me. I know that part of it is because of my very slippery wheels (that I forgot to clean because I was putting brakes on my car), but I cannot blame it all on my wheels and I know that my skating ability and skill, or lack thereof, is also an issue. *sigh* At any rate I as doing OK hanging out and watching with my ice and some ibuprofen, encouraging the girls as they skated by and rockin' out to our playlist for the night. But sitting and watching is not something I do well and after a while I was just feeling frustrated with myself and an anxiety attack was brewing. Now I hate having anxiety attacks, they exhaust me and as far as I'm concerned they make me look and feel weak. I don't do weak. I forced it down and fought it for a while, make jokes about the push and pull drill that I missed out on being a good thing cause I outweigh my teammates...all of them...LOL, and laughed off my knee and said I would skate a bit more that night maybe. I looked down and saw the hummingbird tattoo I have on my arm with the dates that my granny was born and died and it made me sad cause I miss her and cause I wish she could see me skating. I know she'd be proud of me and this time of year is hard with the anniversary of her death coming up. That was the final straw and tears I had been fighting just started pouring down my face. Just in time for one of the girls (April I think) to ask if I was OK. And there was no way I was getting those tears under control before I looked up to answer her. I hate letting people see me cry or get upset. I absolutely hate it. My parents used to call me names when I cried or got upset and would tell me that I was too sensitive. So I just quit letting people see me cry. I managed to yank myself back under a small semblance of control and explained that I was just frustrated and annoyed at myself and missing my grandmother and Meagan and the others were really encouraging and commented on much I have been improving. No one can expect any more out of me that I've been giving...they don't know the standards I've been known to hold myself to...Hell I've been thinking I'm not giving enough. So I felt a little better and went out for one more drill cause it would let me get in a smidge more skate time and because I felt like I had to prove to myself that I could do it. So I did it. I didn't have a whole lot of success in this particular drill of trying to jam through a pack or block the jammer that was trying to get through the pack, but I was out there. I did notice that after I fell and hurt myself I was a bit shaky about getting back out there and I know that it was due to the fall and my wheels being so slippery wasn't helping, but I was trying. And then I sat and chatted for a bit with Jen and Angela who weren't skating at the time and went home when practice was over. I still feel kinda crappy about my performance last night and my knee is sore this morning, but nothing I can't handle. I think I'm going to start wrapping it with an AC bandage and see if that helps and try to find some good strengthening exercises. I will not give this up. I might bitch and whine sometimes though. DL<3

Dixie D.

Scrimmage @ practice

So last night was my first night back after a week long break imposed due to family being in town. There was enough drama that I think I should've skipped and gone to practice though. LOL At any rate practice last night was fantastic!!! I'm starting to work my way into shape, although that could be accomplished faster if I had a steady work schedule that allowed me to have a set routine and my skating skills are improving. I live in WNY and having grown up in TX am very used to everything being air conditioned. I'm starting to think that Yankees don't believe in a\c!! So no a\c, three hours, and lots of skating. Even I was feeling kinda wiped by the heat after a while. But the rink owner was handing out popsicles at the end of practice cause he's a cool guy like that! I still can't go backwards worth a damn, but I have started to figure out the motion behind it and had it kind of going for about 20 feet before I lost it again. Also we played several scrimmages last night and when our coach picked teams he numbered us off 1 and 2 and from what I can tell was trying to put weaker skaters and stronger skaters equally on each team, but it was still cool when he numbered me a 1. It was like middle school only waaay more fun! I planned to only skate two or three then let one of the girls who doesn't have a helmet yet borrow mine and skate but she was like nope I'm not up for a jam yet. So I skated five jams in a row and to be very honest was about ready to puke after they were done. Granted, a month ago I couldn't have skated five jams in a row so yay me! Once I get wheels that are a bit grippy I will try jamming, but for the moment I'm having an absolute total blast being a blocker!!! It's what I'm good at and while I need to work on my speed, which I know will come when I'm not sliding across the floor on slippery wheels I scored a couple of nice hits on an opposing jammer several times. Shoulder checking people into a wall is awesome! As is whipping someone around your back when you realize that she needs to go outside, but is grabbing at your inside hand. If my arms weren't so long there's no way I could've pulled that off. We also had a hellacious spill at one point that involved someone checking my jammer and me getting caught up in the midst as I tried to avoid hitting her and taking a hard fall on my hip. I don't think its going to bruise though. What made me really laugh is that I hit the floor hard and went oh shit I think I'm done and then found myself up and skating to catch the pack. Our coach, Pistol Pete, also commented on both my blocking skills and my improvement overall as a skater so knowing that I'm getting better and that it shows made my night. I can't wait til next week and wish I had the funds to make all of our practices every month, but for the moment that's out of the question. Hopefully things will change after the first of the year though...or sooner!!!!!DL<3!

Dixie D.

Non-Derby Direction

This post is entirely not related to roller derby at all and has more to do with my current state of mind. For the last few days I have been increasingly anxious and wound up feeling and can't pinpoint why. Yesterday my cat got underfoot and hubby stepped on his foot and he cried and hubby hollered. Colt is fine, J is fine, and I...well I started hyperventilating and very narrowly missed breaking out in tears for a full on panic attack. I'm tired of the constant knot in my stomach sick feeling that always shows up when I'm feeling anxious. I'm tired of the disjointed, disconnected feeling I get. I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of my mental issues creating, compounding, or interfering with other issues in my life. I don't like having physical problems because I can't keep my head on straight.

I've tried pills and meditation and exercise and a myriad of other things that are supposed to help me cope with GAD. Pills cause god awful side effects in other areas of my life that I'm still reeling from months later, I cannot shut my brain off long enough to meditate properly (which is part of the problem), and I've noticed to real difference with the exercise other than having lost some weight. Yay for that! The fact remains however, that I am at a loss for what to do because I can't find something that works without having other problems. And if there are aide effects then I get all anxious and worked up about those because they can and do affect my marriage and I really don't need that. I'm just fed up, frustrated, at a loss, and feeling really depressed cause I don't have a fix for my problems and I feel like I shouldn't have these problems because I should be better adjusted and whatnot. People have always said I was "sensitive" and that I would grow out of it. Obviously, there's something else wrong with me, but people just assume that a mental disorder that's not serious enough for "radical" treatment just means you're over sensitive and that you just need to "get over it." I'm so sick of people making such incorrect, off-base assumptions when they don't know me or the hell I go through when my anxiety level ramps through the roof. I just want to be normal...

Derby rambling

I'm off skates for a bit as family is in and we're supposed to be doing things and being sociable, but today nothing seems to be going on. And there is skating tonight and I soooo want to go. Usually I'm not there on Sunday nights because hubby wants to spend the evening together which is fair. I'm not going to ignore him for derby and I'm not going to expect him to come sit at practice and consider that as the two of us spending time together. Not even right. But right now I'm just srsly jonesing to skate and feel the need to share. The way things are going I was slated to not go on Wednesday coming up like normal but if nothing is going on I may see about going anyway. I want to skate and get better and show that I'm improving. And I would like hubby to come to a practice some week when I've gotten a bit better. Although having him there will probably make me a nervous wreck.LOL DL<3