Thursday, September 2, 2010

anxiety and practice

Forgive me if I post a lot about my anxiety these days, but it's kind of trying to take over EVERYTHING! I'm starting to feel like I've hit rock bottom and it is affecting my daily life, my work life, my interactions with my husband, and my performance at practice just to name a few (or everything).

Last night I was really anxious the entire way to the rink and it didn't want to go away. A few laps to ease in helped me out, but after a while I got all ramped back up again. I've found that if I get really nerved up I'm less effective as a skater and in those circumstances I feel like it is best if I sit out for some drills because I don't want to end up hurting myself or someone else due to a lack of focus and/or skills. And actually I did knock into one of the girls last night during a basic skating drill, but it was less anxiety and more I suck going on. She was OK, I was OK, everything was good, but after I hit her and thought I hurt her (or that she was mad at me) I skated a few more slow laps and all I could think about was how I hope she's not hurt and if I were better I could've avoided that and omg what if she hates me now...aaaaggghhhh!!!!

Anyway she's fine, I'm fine, it's all good, although last week when I smashed one of the girls into a wall she jammed her finger. We were laughing over it last night and I asked if she'd like me to give her a better injury next time. She opted to pass. LOL I love the rough and tumble aspect of things and I'm getting over being too worried about hurting people who are like half my size. One of them actually skated into my head last night...literally. I shoulder checked someone else and got caught up in a traffic jam that resulted in me taking knees and she was right behind me when it happened and on my knees I hit at stomach height for her. Personally glad for my helmet cause I think a ribcage to the brain has got to hurt; of course, helmet to the ribcage can't be awesome feeling.

Still improving on my backwards skating and still hoping for new wheels sooner than later. I did score some cheapie bearings off of eBay for less than $5 and considering the ones I currently have are old and rusted these will have to be better...Also, our former asst. coach showed up to check things out last night. I may have mentioned feeling like he disliked me in previous posts and whatever, but he did comment that I have made a tremendous improvement, along with the rest of the girls so that was a nice thing to hear.

And in order to help with this anxiety hell that I'm currently going though I made an appointment to try more meds to get me fixed cause as much as I hate pills, I hate talking about it to a therapist even more. Besides, roller derby will save my soul!!! DL<3

Dixie D.

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