I was an absolute mess at practice last night. My anxiety had gotten really bad and consequently I was having a hard time focusing and skating and therefore sucked worse than I normally do. And I cannot get the hang of turning from front to backwards, which also means that I cannot do a tomahawk stop. We have a bout coming up in November and I'm really starting to feel like I won't be ready and that makes me even more anxious. What if it comes down to the simple fact that I'm not good enough and eventually get asked to leave the league?
There was one high point and that was during the one and only jam I got to skate that lasted all of 45 seconds and that was making a sandwich of the opposing jammer who is really freakin' fast and an awesome skater. If I hadn't had a teammate on the other side of me I think she'd have taken a pretty hard hit and that would've made my night.
All the girls I skate with are super supportive and most know by now that I have a severe anxiety disorder that I'm trying to treat (which is another story, insurance is giving me issues on it), but breaking down in tears on the track every few weeks is really getting old and sucks a lot. I'd love to know what people say about me behind my back.Hopefully nothing, but finding a group on non-catty women is pretty rare. I simply assume there's got to be one or two and try not to dwell on the whole thing. *sigh* I feel like such a freak.
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