rant and whine

Yes, I'm a derby girl and yes, I'm throwing myself a pity party. Mostly because if I don't get this out of my system I am going to freak out and lose it at practice with a full scale anxiety attack that I don't really need right now. Some of my teammates definitely have bigger shit that my issues going on in their lives and they don't need my shit to show up at practice if they can check their shit at the door too.

Wednesday night, 2/23, we jammed through most of practice and I felt as though my performance was mediocre at best. I dwelled on this more than I should have until Saturday, 2/26, when we had practice that morning and our scrimmage that night. I was doing OK at practice, feeling good, almost able to forget Wed. night when our player-coach Gen. G'Injure suggested we pop up the timer and do a relay. There were five of us and we each had to do five laps. I've been skating for several months and the last time I tried my 25/5 I was only short by four laps so I thought I would be OK doing 5/1. It took me something like a minute and a half to make those 5 little laps. We still completed it in less than the 5 minutes on the timer, but it certainly wasn't due to my skating...so the others were goofing off and cheering and there I was kneeling in the center trying not to have an anxiety attack. I got up to take a lap with them because I didn't want to show that weakness and was able to kind of shove it back for a few minutes.

On the drive home it came back and after two anti-anxiety meds, getting ready for the scrimmage, and the drive out I wasn't much better. Skating a few laps helped for a bit, but once the bout started I turned into such a bundle of nerves that I had to force myself to put my water bottle down before I chugged it out nervousness. Even writing about this makes me anxious. So in front of my husband, father in law, two derby leagues, and a host of other people I skated all of 6 jams and in one I got knocked over simply because I lost my focus. I felt like my hits were weak, my endurance was poor, and overall that I did very poorly and could have and should have done much better. I know now that I really need to buckle down and start training hard to get this together and maybe make a decent derby player, but I'm terrified that all the hard work in the world won't help me get better....not feelin' the love today...*sigh* Anxiety is not my friend.

Dixie von D.

Scrimamge Results

184-72 EMRD. In all honesty we didn't get beat as badly as some of us expected too. I ended up taking a double dose of my anxiety meds cause I was far more of a bundle of nerves than I wanted to admit to being. It seemed to help, but I still don't feel like I did very well, although I only took one trip to the box for a major tripping. My endurance is really terrible, I don't have any noticeable bruises (yet), and I didn't play nearly as much as I wanted to. A lot of that last part was due to a lack of confidence on my part. After Wed. nite practice and practice this AM where I didn't manage to make 5 laps in a minute or less I've been feeling pretty down about my skating skills. I did get some good hits in tonight, but feel like I should have and could have been better. No injuries that I know of so that's good. But my adrenaline rush is wearing off and I'm sleepy as hell suddenly so off to bed for me I think. Work calls early at 7AM tomorrow. DL<3!!

Dixie von D.

jamming practice

We have a scrimmage Saturday evening against EMRG. Last night at practice we had one person end early due to shin splints acting up, another take a fall hard enough to cause hip and knee pain that prevented skating (that one was me), and two knee injuries that are both on crutches today and one may need surgery...*sigh*

As we haven't had enough league stress and drama, now this happens. Also, I was one of the few all night that wasn't singled out as having done something well or given advice....so apparently I am suitably mediocre. Not really where I want to be. I know I seemed to get some good hits and I think at one point my positional blocking was exactly where it needed to be, but otherwise I just felt like teh suck kind of. At any rate, I guess we'll go out Saturday night and do our best and learn from it no matter what happens. DL<3!

Dixie von D.

Snowy Sat.

Saturday practices are always small, but still a good workout. Satan's Mattress is slowly getting less horrible for me. My big problem is getting up fast enough. We spent a while running endless jammer today and I don't think I will ever be a good jammer. I just can't get through the pack. I've tried strategy, I've tried being sneaky, using force, cutting inside, cutting outside, and I just get put down every time. I think a lot of it boils down to not being fast enough to just get it done. However, my blocking skills continue to improve and are getting pretty good. I need to keep stomping through footwork drills even though I hate them so I get better and moving across the track and not cluing in the opposing jammer too much. Scored some good hits though and then slalomed a bit. I didn't have quite so much tightness today from my chest and lungs and my cough is going away. Here's hoping I'm good to go by next Saturday when we scrimmage EMRD out of Limestone, NY. Also, my kneepads slip horribly and taping them helps, but isn't perfect. Any other suggestions for keeping them in place? Knee gaskets almost never fit me cause my legs are huge though. At any rate....DL<3!!

Dixie von D.

update again!

Ugh...I'm over my cold, but the cough part is lingering very badly. It makes skating difficult. But it also makes me stronger cause it forced me to push a little harder. Still...hacking a lung and feeling like you might puke isn't fun. So after some scrimmaging where I worn my ass out and got a couple decent hits I was done. Knocking Cannonball OOBs and a good solid shot to Aeon Fox always make me feel like I did something good. Besides after Aeon popped me with a HUGE hit to get by me in the pack and sent me into a four point tuck and roll to try and chase her down, she deserved some Dixie style revenge...

And that was the exciting bit of my practice on Wed. night. Practice tomorrow AM, again Wed. and then a scrimmage against Enchanted Mountain Roller Derby on Sat. 2/26. I am not going to admit to my nerves cause that'll just make them worse! Wish the Babes of Wrath luck! DL<3!

Dixie von D.

really, really late post...just to get caught up

So I know I haven't updated in a couple of weeks. My bad. The week after I bashed my head into a wall practice was canceled due to poor weather. I didn't feel the need to update that nonsense cause I was pissed about not getting my skate on. I had to work the following Saturday and this week I was really sick, but went to practice anyway.

I remember being really sick and skating anyway. Coach was in my face telling me I needed to skate harder. I got back in his face telling him to shut up cause at least I was out there skating, which was more than I could say for one of the other girls who was sick and also at practice, but not on skates. I pushed as hard as I could with the horrible ache in my chest and the head spinning dizziness. I think practice was good overall.

Saturday was supposed to be a split practice with another league in the local area, but they canceled on us and those of us that were there were all still sick and not feeling super great. So we skated, but not too hard. And now I'm just waiting for next week's practice that I expect to be all better for. We have a scrimmage in 13 days that I'm getting nervous about. I've also scheduled my first bout in June, plus we have another in July. For a new league with no experience I think we are doing well.

Also, on a totally unrelated note there was a local event going on over the weekend that several of our skates went to and volunteered as we know the people in charge of the event. It was great exposure for the league and for a good cause. Photos have surfaced on Facebook and when I saw them all I could think beyond how much fun the girls seemed to be having was that I was so glad I hadn't gone. Why? Because compared to my teammates I am a beast. And while that might be OK on the track if I can use my size to my advantage I would have both looked and felt ugly and out of place at the event. I'm not rally even looking forward to doing photo shoots for the league, but it's something that we will be doing. So I am talking to a friend about having him do mine so that I'm not completely uncomfortable in front of the camera.

The above train of thought makes me a bit sad because I thought I was doing so well at getting over all my insecurities and crazy issues. *sigh*