Thursday, February 21, 2013
Burning lungs and possible changes
ugh...I tried my 25/5 again and tonight was a real testament to how fucking hard derby gets when you can only skate once a week. I made 16 laps in something like 3:30ish before I had to stop or puke on the track. My lungs are still hurting and burning, but at least I can't taste stomach acid anymore... This is one of the first nights I've been there that several of the rostered girls were also there and I got a hug from one and some of the others were asking how I was doing and what was up. My derby wife and our team captain asked me what I was planning to d to stay involved while I wasn't skating and suggested that maybe I should announce until I get back to a point where I'm ready and able to bout. I'm considering it, but I want to get my shit together before I say I will do it. I would much rather be skating and that will remain my ultimate goal. I'm finding that as I start to deal more with my mental illness in a way that is going to be healthy and constructive that I have more support than I ever thought I would from both family (derby and otherwise) and one of my jobs at the very least. Not to mention the wonderfully special person in my life whom I would be lost without...<3 I was incredibly depressed when I got home tonight but as I'm settling down and starting to get tired enough to sleep I'm not feeling too bad. Pretty mellow. I will be getting back into the habit (or trying to) of posting regularly. Love and comments are appreciated. Crazy derby love, Dixie von D.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
So I didn't want to write about this because it sucks. But right now I'm not a rostered skater for my league. Coming back from an injury and not nearly enough gym time means that my endurance had gone to shit (it was never very good) and I can't quite make my 25/5. Our league doesn't knock you off roster for the entire season so I can work my way back onto the roster (hopefully in short order). Unfortunately for me, everything is coming at a terribly inopportune time. I'm struggling with two jobs, not being rostered, life itself, and on top of that my mental health is in a less than stable state due to a doctor who has decided they are unable to treat me and current medications no longer working. So I've been feeling super overwhelmed. But I am in the process of seeking treatment, finding a good gym (that I can afford), and just trying to keep a positive outlook in the face of some things that are pretty unpleasant for me. Last time I skated my 25/5 I was at 22 laps and have gone as far as 24.5 laps. I've also done it before so I know I can do it again. I'm sharing this because my mental health has always made derby both a struggle and a kind of therapy for me. Now I've lost that therapy aspect and my health makes derby feel harder than ever. Only being able to skate one night a week (between both jobs and not being able to attend rostered practices) is hard. Seeing all the new skaters pass their skills and not feeling included anymore is SUPER hard...like harder than I ever thought it would be. *sigh* I don't really know what to say here or what I want to say. I just want other skaters to know that they aren't alone if they struggle. When I receive a final diagnosis I may share it here because we all need help and support. So if you're feeling overwhelmed by life or derby or any other of a million factors, try to just keep fucking skating. I didn't let the fact that I was (am) overweight stop me, I'm not going to let mental illness stop me, and I'm not going to give up and walk away from something I love so much. Dixie von Doom PS - After scoring a SWEET pair of vintage 265s that fit me like amazeballs I've been able to put my semi-custom bonts (that I couldn't really afford) on hold. Once I finish getting these all spiffed up, pictures might follow. If I have any dedicated followers out there who really want to see them, let me know!
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