Friday, March 25, 2011

cars suck

My track record for missed practices is not improving....I don't like it, but sometimes you do what ya gotta do. Being super busy with school, my internship, and my real job means that derby practice isn't always a huge priority right now, even though I would like it to be. Also, lack of transportation makes it difficult. Turns out that when I blew the radiator hose in my car it overheated (big surprise) but that since the temperature gauge in the car doesn't actually work properly I didn't catch the problem until it actually stalled and died. Got it running and home, then to the shop (this post has been interrupted by a napping kitty), "fixed" only to get it right back to the shop because it wasn't running right. So after waiting for a week to get something figured out my mechanic discovers that not only did my blown hose destroy the coilpack, plugs and wires, but it also resulted in a head gasket issue (warped and gonna blow should about sum it up) since I didn't know that the engine was overheating. Good thing: I get a new car. Bad thing: I can't really afford said new car. At any rate I might have found a vehicle and will probably just junk my busted car, then I can get back to derby...also, my internship will be done mid-April!!!! YAY! You can expect more regular updates of a derby related nature at that point. Until then...go skate! DL<3!

Dixie von D.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Practice anxiety

Ugh, I haven't felt this way in months. While I've been slowly improving, I'm not making leaps and bounds and I found out last night that the training committee is really gonna start stepping things up at practices. They've already begun tracking attendance and I am pretty good on that front so no worries there, but I'm at a point where there are times that I just physically cannot keep up and practice is kicking my ass already. I have General G'Injure to thank for this and while its not a bad thing because I need to push myself more, it scares me and freaks me out and makes me anxious (like panic attack on the way home last night anxious) because if I can't cut it at practice my playing time in bouts could be affected and that just sucks. A lot.

Granted I am a pretty strong player, but I can only play for a jam or two at a time because my endurance isn't up there yet, but I'm getting better. I don't feel like I should be a huge factor for me, but I'm terrified that it might. Will I end up getting less time that the people who aren't as good because they have better endurance? Or will I be OK as long as I keep pushing myself as hard as I can even if that means being the slowest one on the track? Better yet, why am I worrying about this? Why not just suck it up and do it? That seems like a better tactic to take, right? But I'm still kinda freaked out by the whole thing.

On a happier note I finally ordered softer cushions for my Invader DA-45s and went from all purples to a purple and yellow combo and I definitely felt an improvement of the way my skates seemed to handle. I'm seriously considering jumping right into all yellow cushions at next practice. And I did feel like I was skating stronger since working out, but I've only worked out a handful of times before last night's practice so some of that might have all been in my head. *shrug* But yeah....yellows are good and blues might be better, but I'll wait and see. Off for schoolwork....boring! DL<3

Dixie von D.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Roller Derby Workout DVD

So I've had this DVD hanging out for a month or so before I finally got around to trying it and despite the fact that I've been skating for several hours a week for several months this workout kicks my butt. I'm doing it off skates so I don't accidentally kick my cat in the head, but I still love it. We have an event coming up in April so I'm going to try to do this at least 3x a week til then and see how much I have improved in that time. Also, we will be bouting against ROC Derby in August and really want to be good and ready for that so the Babes can show the world what we're made of.

I've spent too long talkin' about steppin' it up without doing it so now I've got my game on and gonna make some progress towards being a badass derby girl! DL<3

Dixie von D.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

4 wheels means I get to use 8 wheels

Got my car back this AM and promptly headed to practice. So nice to get some skate time in. I'm still lagging behind several of the skaters fitness wise, but when I remind myself that prior to derby I wasn't getting pretty much no exercise AT ALL I realize that I've come a long way.

I felt a bit off this morning at practice, but it was early and I don't sleep well, plus missing any of my regular skate time seems to do that to me. By the time it was all over I felt better, if a bit tired because General G'Injure runs a wicked practice. As much as I fuss about things like Satan's Mattress it's good for me and I feel better after a good ass kicking workout. Tomorrow after work I will pop in my roller derby workout DVD and hit it up! As soon as the weather cooperates and I can start riding my bike, jogging, and skating outdoors that will be on my agenda as well. And once I finish college I can really focus on getting myself into shape, although I'm hoping by then I will have made some progress and see some sexy results. Although if Susan B. is to be believed my ass is looking pretty damn hot already. Yeah! Steppin it up, bitches!! LOL OK, that was my tribute to the aforementioned Susan B. who is a white girl with gangsta slang. I'm out for dinner and (more) homework. DL<3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dixie von D.

Friday, March 11, 2011

no car = no skating = heightened anxiety/depression issues

I have no idea when I will get my car back out of the shop. I was hoping for yesterday or today, but as it still needs a brake cylinder replaced and some work on the brake lines that split (probably from the pressure that backed up d/t to busted cylinder) it might not be til Monday or later. Since being without my car means I am sharing hubby's car I basically can go around town in it and that's it. He is super paranoid about me driving it out to rink we practice at and hitting a deer, especially since I did exactly that in my car a couple months ago.

It sucks a lot. Derby is a major outlet for me and I've been so stressed and anxious lately with everything going on in my life that I've really needed it. And I cannot has it. I'm on edge and anxious all the time right now and it would be so nice to put on my skates, even for a little while and be able to forget all of that and let it go. I only have to survive through April tho and things should start settling back down after I finish my internship. In the meantime I just have to hang on.

Things that make me anxious:

1. Getting enough hours at work to pay the bills
2. Passing minimum skills testing
3. My house not being as clean as I would like it to be
4. Failing any classes in my last semester of college and not graduating
5. Not being the best skater I can be and continuing to improve
6. Being unable to do things like the tomahawk stop and get up from falls as fast as I want to do so
7. Worrying about my husband's health while they try to figure out what is wrong
8. pretty much everything

Ok, so that last one is horrible for me to put on there, but it is very true. I get anxious and worried over every little thing and I do so very easily. Random things will set me off and send me into a tailspin. Wed. night I literally laid in bed for three hours and did nothing because I got so anxious and depressed that my mental state had actually reached a point where I felt unstable and my instinct was to retreat to a safe place i.e. my nice warm bed so that I didn't have access to anything that could be potentially used as a weapon. To clarify that, at one point in time I was a cutter and still bear those scars. Sometimes I go to a place where I want to cut again and know that in order to not give in to that urge I need to be away from anything I might be able to use in that fashion. So I did that, rather than letting go and giving in. It might not be the best way for me to cope and maybe I need more therapy, but I am so adverse to the idea of therapy that whenever it gets brought up I will make up a reason not to do it. I can open up with my writing all I want, but actually talking to a therapist means I just lie to them and manipulate them into hearing what they want. I don't trust them and I'm pretty sure it's because I was forced into therapy as a teenager and once I figured out how to play her the woman would believe pretty much whatever I said. And I simply didn't trust her not to tell my parents things that I said no matter how much she claimed that they were in confidence. So this is a long rambling post about how unstable I've been feeling because I don't really know where else to post it or who I can talk to about this because my family either doesn't know about my problems or I won't talk to them about it because I feel like they have enough going on and don't need my crap. Also, I don't need attitude about it and some people will give me that. And I love my derby girls, but again they have their own crap to deal with and I'm not dumping on them with all of my crap, especially when some of it is much more trivial than what is going on in their lives. Being alone is another big anxiety trigger for me at times and it has been pretty bad lately too. Every time I am home alone I get the gross achy feeling/knot in the pit of my stomach and have to make an effort to stay focused and not freak out because I am alone. I'm wondering if this is worse because A) I'm worrying about hubby and his health and even though it's nothing life threatening it's still kinda freaking me out and B) my late grandmother's birthday is coming up on the 1st of next month and I am reminded of her a lot more around this time of year. *shrug*

Eventually I will be able to work through this fit, the league drama will settle down, college will end, and things will go back to as close to normal as they ever get for me. In the meantime, please bear with my rants and fits and whatever else I come up with on her. I just need to vent sometimes.

Dixie von D.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Title Goes Here

So I didn't get a post in after last practice because I have been busier than hell with work and my internship and my car breaking down. It was a small and short practice because we've been trying to solve some league drama that we are making go away and getting better structured so that it doesn't happen again. We did lose our scrimmage, but I think I shared that already and we are looking possibly having a mini-tourney type thing with a few other local leagues next month. Also, going to be looking into bouting Roc City's "B" team in August. I just need to fire off an email to their coordinator and see if they would be interested. And that is that. DL<3!!

Dixie von D.