Saturday, February 25, 2012

Suck it up Buttercup!

So...I got over my whiny fit. I put my big girl panties on. And I went to practice Wednesday night. I was determined to have a good practice and do well. I was also skating on different wheels that I am borrowing and they felt slippery. I think that was due to a cushion change I had made though and it has since been corrected.

I was feeling pretty good and I've gotten so that I will step up and jam in scrimmage. I'm gonna get it! I stood on the jam line and was deliberately trying to annoy my opponent. I wanted to force her out, back, or simply distract her and apparently it worked. She took off before the jammer whistle blew and was forced to yield position. I was moving at a good clip, even with some slickness and had at least once (a teammate says two) really good,hard lateral cuts through the pack. According to my coach and teammates I was thisclose to passing the pack on the outside. Then I fell...on my face. Busted my knee brace. And had a panic attack. Damn it.

But the fact that I was seriously holding my own and about to make it through that pack. HELL. YES.


Monday, February 20, 2012


So I did manage to workout yesterday, but today my legs have been so sore that I've chosen not to workout instead of sucking it up. And now I have to leave for work shortly and therefore lack the time to properly workout and get cleaned up at this point.

I guess something is better than nothing. And maybe I'm better not to push too hard and risk overdoing it or injury. But I just feel like I absolutely suck. I'm incredibly discouraged at my lack of progress in my life and it's something that I don't know how to fight back against.

I'm cold and sad and wanna cry, but it never does me any good. Neither does the whining I'm currently engaging in really and I know that, but sometimes it just seems much easier to give up when I don't see progress. Being stuck in your own head really blows. Do I need drugs, therapy, or both? Or maybe nothing will ever change for me. I don't know. I do know that I'm tired of being tired all the time. And right now I'm tired of listening to myself bitch. I give up.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

So this is pretty non-derby related, but I don't feel like I have anywhere else I can vent. I'm just feeling very depressed again quite a bit lately. I don't know if it's the weather, the fact that it is looking like we won't be moving as soon as we had hoped, all the varied stressors in my life (which aren't that bad compared to some people I know), or if it happens to be a combination of things.

My apartment is a mess, I feel completely under-prepared for the All Star bout that is fast approaching, and right now what I really want to do is crawl back in bed and sleep. I try not to let this side of me show too often because I know I can be a drain on other people, but trying to keep it together is a drain on myself. I feel as though I should be able t do more than I am doing on the exercise front, but there are days when I simply don't exercise for various reasons, none of which are good reasons. Maybe that's why I get discouraged. The progress is slow and hard to see and I don't really feel like I have much to encourage me. I feel as though I am easily one of the worst players on my team, but my efforts to improve never strike me as good enough.

I'm a mediocre blocker, barely passable pivot, and a terrible jammer and not one thing seems to be improving for me in any of these areas. I have a shit job performing menial labor and despite my efforts have been unable to advance within the company I work for. I'm not even looking for huge advancement...just a tiny step up. And that legal degree I was so proud to have earned...well it's not much use when I'm working in a deli frying food and slicing lunch meat. Sure, part of that is because I do live in a rather economically depressed area where the job market just straight up sucks, but that doesn't make it easier.

I guess I just feel like that despite my efforts I will never be good enough to have the happiness that I want. Or maybe I'm simply destined for boring mediocrity for the rest of my life. I dunno. I'm just fucked up and whiny today.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Pre-season scrimmage

Was a success. We won 174-42 even though we were skating on easily the worst floor I've ever been on. It had lumps and bumps, and uneven seams, and was so slippery that full speed wasn't even an option.

Lots of slow derby was played that night. I broke a wrist guard splint (again. does anyone know where I can get stronger splints that will fit the hired hands?), played pivot, and even got to jam once. Sadly, my lone jam was a bad one...I spent most of my time chasing the pack. I will keep trying and I will get better though.

Next up for me is an All Star bout with the NYS B Team as we take on the PA B Team on 3/3/12. I'm trying to train as hard for that as I can without overdoing it and injuring myself or anything drastic and then we start our regular season on 4/21/12.

Roller derby is off and running!

Dixie von Doom

Thursday, February 2, 2012

End of Bootcamp

SO...I'm back after going to a months worth of bootcamps that were run by an awesome derby girl that I skate with (Love me some Stratosfear!!!) and I do think it has helped my skating. I did try to fit in extra workouts at home and have made some progress in the respect that I am working out more often. Even if I'm only doing short workouts at home that's better than sitting on my ass. And last night I felt faster than I had at the end of last year.

Personal success...

I'm back in the same size jeans I wore in high school and can wear a Junior size XL in some bottoms. Not bad at all I don't think. I'd like to drop one or maybe two more sizes,but I'm not sure if the width of my hips will allow that...LOL

Last night I FINALLY managed to do several front to back transitions on my skates. Mind you I moving at a snails pace, but the fact that I did them had me grinning like an idiot. I'm trying to decide what was a bigger success, this or...

My very first successful jam in which I was called lead. I was jamming against Stratosfear and she's in awesome shape in addition to being an overall much faster skater than me. But the girls on my scrimmage team held her up with some serious positional blocking while Aeon Fox gave me a giant whip through for lead status. Fear came out right after me though and we were on. It ended in a giant pile up as I was trying to pass the star and I landed flat on my back from which pointed I called it.

So I do feel like I am improving, even if sometimes the gains are quite slow. I need to work on my toestop runs and am hoping to score a gym membership, but that remains to be seen. All is well in derby land. <3

Dixie von D.