Quick update

I will be back on skates Thursday for the first time since probably March. This should be interesting. Meanwhile, I've kept busy with life and general drama and announcing roller derby and getting into a gym habit. Today I did a 16:32 mile on the elliptical and felt like a beast.

I'm anxious about Thursday, but only a little bit and I'm hopeful that I will progress quickly. next month I am either announcing at a bout for another local team again, skating with them or reffing. We will see where the girls need me to be. I'm hoping for skating with them cause that would be AWESOME!!!


Derby love,
Dixie von D

Still rollin

I'm still going to the gym and rolling along, altho I feel like I'm not making any progress at all. new plates are helping my form and confidence, but shin splints are awful and I'm thinking that they are at least partially due to a loss of ankle strength after taking too long of a break and not doing anything else to keep up with my exercise because one of my feet was incredibly unhappy if it had to do anything other than walk at a nice, slow sedate pace.

So now I'm trying different things with my cushions and am working to build up strength in my ankles and calves so that the problem will go away. If I could skate more frequently that would help of course, but I don't see the stupidly restrictive league policies changing anytime soon. The most positive spin I can put on this is that when I do finally get my strength built back up and have trained my endurance to where it needs to be I'm going to get back on the track and hit bitches like they've never been hit before. And I really don't think that is something my team is expecting me to do so I imagine that some of them will be a bit surprised. Hopefully...they like surprises...

Dixie von D.

Gym Times

Gym Wednesday, Derby Thursday, slacking off Friday and Saturday (bad Dixie), back at the gym Sunday and again this morning (Monday). I will get back to where I need to be, then I will get better. It will take time, hard work, dedication, and sometimes sheer stubbornness. Tomorrow will be an off day for sure because I know that I need at least one a week and because I will literally have so much going on between errands before job 1, dinner between jobs, and job 2 that doesn't set me free til 11 that I don't know when I would workout and still sleep. So I will take a break and rest tomorrow. Then Wednesday I am gonna go right back at it. I can either go to a spinning class, zumba class, kickboxing class (or all three) or I can go a bit later and do my cardio/circuit that I've been doing. At some point I want to try the classes, but I'm so anxiety ridden about going to gym yet as it is that I think it may have to wait for a bit. I'm resisting the urge to step on the scale every time I set foot in the place...that will only make me be a freak about the numbers and I don't want to do that. I just want to be a better me and play a better game while I'm at it.

Moving forward

So it's early March and I'm finally starting my gym routine as of tonight after work. I will be skating on Thursdays and Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be gym days. Monday and Tuesday are days that I work at both of my jobs and therefore have become rest days, although I can picture myself stopping at the gym on the way home if I have had a rough day at work and just need to chill for a bit and zone out with some cardio. I will probably chuck a pair of leggings and a t-shirt in my car just in case that happens. I'm still upset about not being able to skate more than once a week, but I'm trying to focus on being able to use that time for the gym and getting stronger, better, faster, and when I go back to derby full-time being able to just destroy the endurance laps (that are stupid anyway given the nature of HOW derby is played, but that's another issue) and being able to lay down hits like Beyonslay (I can dream!!) I am hesitant to set goals in relation to losing a set amount of weight or gain X amount of muscle mass or what have you simply because if those goals do not happen as quickly as I would like them to I am far more likely to get discouraged. However, I DO have an awesome support system outside of roller derby and I have someone who will see things about me that I won't see and will point them out to me when I struggle. So when I'm fussing that I haven't progressed or that I feel fat or whatever I have a constant source of reassurance that I will need some days. And this is in addition to what my teammates and other leaguemates will tell me if they see progress as well and I'm sure they will tell me if I look like I'm losing fat/gaining muscle or if I seem faster or meaner or whatever. One day, one mile, one lift, one squat, one workout at a time. I will handle my mental health issues, I will improve my physical health, and I will keep going even on days when I don't want to. That doesn't mean that I won't backslide or struggle, but it does mean that I might have a day when I just want to cry and stay in bed and I might do that as long as I get up the next day and keep going. Just. Fucking. Skate. Dixie von Doom

Burning lungs and possible changes

ugh...I tried my 25/5 again and tonight was a real testament to how fucking hard derby gets when you can only skate once a week. I made 16 laps in something like 3:30ish before I had to stop or puke on the track. My lungs are still hurting and burning, but at least I can't taste stomach acid anymore... This is one of the first nights I've been there that several of the rostered girls were also there and I got a hug from one and some of the others were asking how I was doing and what was up. My derby wife and our team captain asked me what I was planning to d to stay involved while I wasn't skating and suggested that maybe I should announce until I get back to a point where I'm ready and able to bout. I'm considering it, but I want to get my shit together before I say I will do it. I would much rather be skating and that will remain my ultimate goal. I'm finding that as I start to deal more with my mental illness in a way that is going to be healthy and constructive that I have more support than I ever thought I would from both family (derby and otherwise) and one of my jobs at the very least. Not to mention the wonderfully special person in my life whom I would be lost without...<3 I was incredibly depressed when I got home tonight but as I'm settling down and starting to get tired enough to sleep I'm not feeling too bad. Pretty mellow. I will be getting back into the habit (or trying to) of posting regularly. Love and comments are appreciated. Crazy derby love, Dixie von D.

Struggles

So I didn't want to write about this because it sucks. But right now I'm not a rostered skater for my league. Coming back from an injury and not nearly enough gym time means that my endurance had gone to shit (it was never very good) and I can't quite make my 25/5. Our league doesn't knock you off roster for the entire season so I can work my way back onto the roster (hopefully in short order). Unfortunately for me, everything is coming at a terribly inopportune time. I'm struggling with two jobs, not being rostered, life itself, and on top of that my mental health is in a less than stable state due to a doctor who has decided they are unable to treat me and current medications no longer working. So I've been feeling super overwhelmed. But I am in the process of seeking treatment, finding a good gym (that I can afford), and just trying to keep a positive outlook in the face of some things that are pretty unpleasant for me. Last time I skated my 25/5 I was at 22 laps and have gone as far as 24.5 laps. I've also done it before so I know I can do it again. I'm sharing this because my mental health has always made derby both a struggle and a kind of therapy for me. Now I've lost that therapy aspect and my health makes derby feel harder than ever. Only being able to skate one night a week (between both jobs and not being able to attend rostered practices) is hard. Seeing all the new skaters pass their skills and not feeling included anymore is SUPER hard...like harder than I ever thought it would be. *sigh* I don't really know what to say here or what I want to say. I just want other skaters to know that they aren't alone if they struggle. When I receive a final diagnosis I may share it here because we all need help and support. So if you're feeling overwhelmed by life or derby or any other of a million factors, try to just keep fucking skating. I didn't let the fact that I was (am) overweight stop me, I'm not going to let mental illness stop me, and I'm not going to give up and walk away from something I love so much. Dixie von Doom PS - After scoring a SWEET pair of vintage 265s that fit me like amazeballs I've been able to put my semi-custom bonts (that I couldn't really afford) on hold. Once I finish getting these all spiffed up, pictures might follow. If I have any dedicated followers out there who really want to see them, let me know!

Trials, Tribulations, Rants, and Maybe Some Whining

It's now the end of January and there is one more night of the training camp that we do every year to go. I have been struggling with shin splints the entire time and I've tried to do my best, but I still feel like my best just isn't good enough. I should not still be struggling with 25/5 even with shin splints. But I do. I've come as close as 24.5/5 but haven't broken that last lap in more than a year. Tonight was the best I've done in some time with 20/5. I'm not that far off...and I don't know what else I can do to make it easier on myself. Ok. I do know. I need more cardio besides skating in my life. However, I work two jobs that adds up to 60 hours a week, plus my derby practices on three other nights a week. I'm not actually sure when I have time for more cardio, altho I might try squeezing it in during my lunch hour...as miserable as that sounds. Because if I don't do something I will lose my place on the roster for the 2013 season. I'm already worried about that because we have so many up and coming fresh meat who are really good. Honestly, some thing that would really help me I think would be quitting my second job. It would give me more free time in my life as a whole that I could use to rest as needed or to increase my workouts. Both of those things are totally on the agenda. Also on the agenda is a pair of Bont semi-customs. But I have pills to pay first and it doesn't look like I will be getting back as much in taxes as I had hoped for so I can't use that money. Well...I could, but that would be irresponsible of me...I'm trying to be an adult. Trying. If there's anyone out there who has advice and tips for a rotten meat who still has endurance issues I'll take them. I just feel like I should be better than this and I'm only falling further and further behind. Sometimes I don't know what to do. So I just keep skating and hope that its enough. Dixie